Keep in mind the different impact that each of the pro-social responses (Pity/Sympathy/Empathy) can have on the recipient, and how Tom may feel with each of these responses from Jane.
Pity can have a negative impact on the recipient, as the observer may feel sorry for the recipient and respond from an emotional distance that may reflect some personal judgement about the recipient.
Sympathy can trigger a sense of projected emotional alignment or merger between the observer and recipient. Sympathy can be disempowering to the recipient by undermining their sense of agency, thus reinforcing an insecure sense-of-self organized around persistent feelings of victimhood, powerlessness and low self-esteem.
Empathy is tuning into the “what” and “why” of the other’s actual feelings without emotional merger.
Empathy includes mirroring the other’s positive & negative inner experience, as well as their natural strengths and sense of agency.
Thoughtful Q&A
Coaching Note: Now that you have selected which response is pity, sympathy or empathic, let’s review your answers and consider the reason(s) why you selected the response that you did. Considering the following may help;
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Coaching Note – Jane focuses on Tom’s feelings without projecting her own onto him. Notice how she attempts to understand the “what” & “why” of his hurt feelings and then “mirrors” them back to him accurately, while reflecting his natural strength of character. Tom appears to feel understood and is calmed by her empathic response.
